Late to the show

Remember when you were a kid and were late to something?  Like a birthday party, or the picking of the teams, or maybe even a little late to lunch?  All the discussion had already started and playing catchup was hard.  Sometimes you felt like you would never catch up.

I feel that way today.  I know, I know.  There are a lot of things that I have accomplished and I am a far cry away from where I started.  And yet, there are days that I feel behind.

I've been thinking about this.  This, and judgement.  About judgement: remember when you where a kid and were caught off guard by something?  Something a teacher or parent or other grownup said about another kid?  Like how that kid did something great? Something you were usually praised about?  And there would be that anticipation when you waited to hear if your name would come up as being better then that other kid?  But your name didn't come up?

So, you started the comparison game to see how you stacked up?  Yeah, judgement.

When I think of both "Being Late" and "Stacking Up", I get depressed.  I actually know why I get depressed, and I think others will agree with me:  because I want.  I want to be worthy of the good attention, I want to be remembered and thought of when I am not around, I want to know that I can trust who I am will live long after what I am is gone.  I want.

The trouble is that wanting is generally some piece of something greater, or some aspect of a future state.  It gets difficult to describe in common English, here, which might be showing how we Americans deal with the nature of Becoming Better.

How do I fight the depression?  I don't know.  I don't think I can avoid judgement and comparison.  Those two elements seem to be animal coded into mammals.  I am not sure about reptiles, but I do see similar behavior in birds.  It is just a part of being alive.  I might be able to fight "Being Late", as time appears to be a human construct.  At least, the sense that time exists differently for different people based on experiences.

I think it comes down to a single Need.  We (not just me this time, but we) need a Goal.  Something to work toward in common.  Something we agree to call "good" or at least better than today.  That's what I think today.